


Carry Me Home

by ADashOfStarshine (ADashOfInsanity)



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Body Worship, Bottom Thanatos (Hades Video Game), Drunkenness, Insecure Thanatos (Hades Video Game), M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Praise Kink, Sex Toys, Thanatos takes Zagreus Back When He Dies On The Surface, Top Zagreus (Hades Video Game), Trans Male Character, Trans Thanatos (Hades Video Game)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:46:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28858323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADashOfInsanity/pseuds/ADashOfStarshine
Summary: The moment Thanatos arrives, he knows. Zagreus may have finally reached the Queen's cottage, but his time there is swiftly running out. Yet when it becomes time to return Zagreus to the Styx, Thanatos can't bring himself to do it. However much he's risked already, however much trouble he could get in for assisting Zagreus further, it no longer matters. Zagreus deserves every small joy and comfort Thanatos can provide, and this... the occasional escort home won't go noticed, right? Right.(Thanatos is pining hard. His family notice. Zagreus, meanwhile, is just trying his best.)
Relationships: Thanatos/Zagreus (Hades Video Game)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 145





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! First fanfiction for a new fandom is always quite nerve-wracking. 
> 
> I just wanted to add this note to say that this story features Thanatos as a trans man. Being trans myself, this is something I wanted to explore. I will be using gender-neutral terms in future chapters with masturbation/sex scenes in as this is what I am most comfortable with. I just wanted to address this from the get-go so this doesn't surprise/confuse anyone later on. 
> 
> Thank you and Enjoy!

This little oasis of life amidst the cold had always seemed unsettling to Thanatos. The abundance of lush green vegetation, the bountiful harvest and the sheer warmth of the place, were stark and almost unnatural compared to the mortal suffering he saw day-in, day-out. The mortal realm, frozen by the lament of the Goddess Demeter, was flooding the Underworld with more souls than perhaps its administration could handle. Thanatos had lost count of how many mortals had perished in their frigid homes, for recording their magnitude was not his task. He merely swept them up with deft strokes of his scythe – freezing babes from wailing mothers, starving elders mourning their meagre harvests, young and old alike were unable to stave off the illness that came as unvanquishable as the icy heavens. You would hope, after so long in his role, that Death Incarnate would no longer feel their losses. That he could reap the fallen, emotionless, utterly professional in his distance and his unrelenting work ethic. His detachment from such wide-spread suffering would mean he never second guessed his motion when a deceased child looked at him with wide eyes full of abject terror. He would not feel sorrow when so many tried to escape his approach. Well, Thanatos tried. He tried with all his might to keep up that image of perfection. He could lose himself in his work, leave the act of thinking it all over for later. And if he wasn’t emotionally ready for ‘later’. Well, then he could simply delay the inevitable by never ceasing his work day, make later even more, well, later.

Not here however. So out of place in this verdant haven, he hid by the banks of the River Styx. Thanatos felt like a thief here, utterly unwelcome in a place so divinely full of Life. Everywhere he looked, he was reminded of how much of a dark stain he’d be on this tapestry-worthy landscape. Yet he’d known in his heart that this was where he should be. Somehow, he knew, just knew, that Zagreus would make it this time. Indeed, when first he’d seen this place, the beautiful cottage, the overflowing greenery, he’d thought Zagreus would love it here. It was bright, warm and brimming with life - just like Zagreus himself. Just like Zagreus deserved. Thanatos could imagine him here, enjoying the open sky and plentiful sunshine. Perhaps he’d like working in the garden, taking up a mortal craft - Zagreus was always good with his hands even if he wasn’t a patient learner. He could have fresh pomegranates whenever he wanted. Sip snow-cooled juice as he watched the sunset after a long day’s labour, knowing he was safely away from his father. He would be free at last. He would be happy. Thanatos couldn’t want anything more. Knowing Zagreus was happy up here would dull his loss just enough to make the resulting loneliness bearable.

Of course it wasn’t to be. As Thanatos watched, Zagreus did indeed appear to marvel at this haven. Yet even as he approached the Queen, his mother, for the first time, Thanatos knew it couldn’t be. His heart may have taken him here but duty had led the way. Death watched over Zagreus as he tried to convince the Queen to who he truly was. Time dragged on up here as Thanatos gripped his scythe tight enough to stop his hands shaking. It was cruel, so cruel for it to end here. He cursed his sisters, inwardly railed at the Fates for leading Zagreus so far towards joy before cutting him short like this. And they were making him the instrument of their cruelty! It was work, just one soul amongst many some might say, but Thanatos couldn’t detach himself from this task. Not when it was Zagreus. Never when it was Zagreus. 

He watched as Zagreus’ body began to fail, even as he tried to keep talking. Sensing the time had finally come, he drifted out from behind the shrubbery, careful to stay unseen at least from the prince. A short turn of his scythe and Zagreus’ bloody gasps were cut abruptly short. He lay limp on a bed of soft grass as the Queen clutched at her tear strewn cheeks. So cruel for both, to finally reunite, for her to learn that her son lived, yet only to see him like this again. An adult this time, but still so lifeless and cold. Thanatos closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, feeling the warmth of this oasis enter his body before he stepped into the sunlight. The Styx was not far, mere paces away. He could so easily release Zagreus to the river and let him wash up back in the Underworld like he had so many times prior. But what about his physical form? Could he really leave the Queen to stare at her son’s lifeless corpse? It would disintegrate and reform once Zagreus emerged from the Styx, but until then… It wasn’t his task to perform. It was far from his usual routine but he knew… Zagreus’ body would heal once he was back home. Thanatos could have him back there in seconds, grant him back his soul and let him heal in the comfort of his own bed rather than drift through each section of the Underworld, slowly piecing himself back together. It would certainly save him a little exhaustion. Even if Zagreus refused to acknowledge the fact, the constant deaths and rebirths were wearing at the very fabric of his being. Forced to remake himself after every failure, Thanatos had caught him bearing the signs of exhaustion on multiple occasions – a misjudged step here, a longing look at his bed there, a clumsy swing or toppled glass that Zagreus would never have done at full awareness. Yet he refused to rest. Refused to take care of his being in favour of desperate struggle after desperate struggle. Taking him back whole would be one less burden after an emotionally torturous encounter. If Thanatos couldn’t stop him tormenting himself with these repeated escape attempts, then this was just another small way to lighten his burden.

It wasn’t his place to decide how comfortable Zagreus’ many demises would be, but it would be his secret to keep. Thanatos floated silently out into the garden, instantly drawing the attention of the Queen, who wept over the sight of her lifeless son. Mortals, of course, could not see him until they had passed. It was of little surprise that a goddess could.

“You…” the Queen breathed, “You’re…”

Thanatos gave her low bow worthy of her status, before scooping Zagreus up into his arms.

“You’re one of Nyx’s little ones,” Queen Persephone commented, “My, how you’ve grown. ”

The weight of a fully equipped warrior wasn’t something to be underestimated. Especially not one who had his belt laden with pouches of keys and gemstones. Thanatos found himself floating a little closer to the ground as he cradled the limp form of Zagreus close. There was still a slight warmth to his body. If he hastened back fast, he could preserve that warmth and perhaps it could expediate Zagreus’ recovery.

“It is an honour to see you my lady,” Thanatos told the Queen, “Forgive me, I must take Prince Zagreus home so he may recover restfully.”

He made to disappear when suddenly she cried:

“Wait! Thanatos! It’s Thanatos isn’t it?”

He stared at her before giving a small nod.

“Did you grow up with my son?” she asked, “Have you known him all this time?”

“Yes my lady,” Thanatos replied, “We spent much time together in our youth. I do not intend to be impolite my lady, but I must take Prince Zagreus back quickly.”

The warmth was fading. This couldn’t help but worry part of him, though he did not know the warmth’s effect on Zagreus’ rebirth. However he had learned to trust his instincts after all this time.

“Please, Thanatos, tell me something about him before you go?” The Queen’s voice took on a pleading tone, “Just something, anything, so he is less of a stranger if we meet again. Something from his childhood perhaps?”

Momentarily thrown by her request, Thanatos hastily cast for something, anything to tell her. Put on the spot like this, he could not think of what would be most meaningful. Besides, he did not have the time to choose his fondest recollection. So he chose the earliest.

“When Prince Zagreus was very young, he enjoyed scaling Cerberus as if he were a peak to be climbed. He would climb to sit atop one of Cerberus’ heads, occasionally he would nap within his fur. Cerberus met the prince with great patience, greater perhaps than his father would on such an occasion.”

The Queen smiled widely, as if nothing could delight her more.

“Thank you, Thanatos. Now please, bring him back to us.”

His response was to vanish in a flash of green and reappear within Zagreus’ chambers. Drifting over to Zagreus’ bed, he felt the warmth surge once more within as the colour began to return to the prince’s cheeks. He considered depositing him atop the covers and departing before realising that would not be a true state of rest. Thanatos did not deal in half-measures. If Zagreus must rest, then he would do so properly. Arms full however, Thanatos was forced to use the tip of his floating scythe to gently draw back the bedcovers. With great care and concentration, he dulled the edge of his blade so the blankets were not harmed by this unusual means. Satisfied there was now room for him, Thanatos laid Zagreus on the comfort of his own sheets. Once he was safely down, Thanatos willed his soul to return his body. A shiver went down his spine as he plucked the soul from his scythe, the reverse of his usual reaping feeling distinctly odd. Yet even through it chilled him, it was clear that this safe return had the opposite effect on Zagreus. A little more colour returned as his eyes fluttered but did not open. His chest instantly began to rise as he took a long slow breath inwards, relaxing entirely against the sheets.

It still didn’t look completely restful though. Fortunately, Thanatos’ hands were now free, so he could busy himself by drawing the covers up to Zagreus' chin, tucking them around him to preserve that precious warmth. He wiped a little blood off Zagreus’ cheek and felt a surge of heat dance across the tips of his fingers. Touching Zagreus had always felt like cupping the gentlest of flames. When they were younger, Thanatos had often fallen asleep against the comforting heat of his shoulder whilst Zagreus spun one of his tall tales. He would later blame his brother for the lull in attention, but there was no denying that the warmth of Zagreus only added to the pleasure of his attentions. Attentions that had slowly become less and less familiar with adulthood. Waning as Zagreus discovered worthier recipients for his affection, it became clear he preferred those unaffected by the weight of the world. He discovered those who knew how to reciprocate his need for physical intimacy, those whose time was not cut short by a never-ending tide of wars and pestilence. These days, Thanatos mattered so little to him that he wasn’t even worth a goodbye.

As Thanatos swept Zagreus’ hair from his eyes, he cursed himself for being a sentimental fool. It was but a simple fact that people drifted apart with time. And it was only him that clung on anymore. He was stupid really, to so desperately wish that each conversation, each bottle of nectar Zagreus passed his way, was a token of affection and not a means to mock him or temper his anger.

“It’s absurd, what you do to me,” he told the resting Zagreus, “And you have no idea, do you?”

Zagreus merely lay there, still infuriatingly handsome, even in repose. Sleep had smoothed out his features, revealing a peaceful youthfulness that Thanatos had not seen in quite some time. It reminded him of happier days, when Zagreus would seek him out after a heavy bout of training, and they would sit together in the lounge as the prince recuperated. Zagreus would lean his head against the wall, close his eyes and take deep breaths – exhausted but content. Would he ever be able to be content in the Underworld again? It seemed unlikely, not once he’d had a taste of what lay beyond. Well… Zagreus would undoubtedly wake soon, ready to try again. Before he did so, Thanatos needed to make himself scarce. He cast one last wistful look over the sleeping prince before lifting his scythe and going back to work. Work was very good at pushing his feelings into the realm of ‘later’ and making sure later never arrived.

When Thanatos briefly returned the next day to hand in his latest report, he found a very confused Zagreus talking to Hypnos in the entryway. He kept his movements silent as he drifted over to lay his scroll beside the pile on Lord Hades’ desk. Fortunately neither participant in the conversation seemed to have noticed his presence, perhaps due to the need to speak loudly over the bustle of shades.

“Are you sure you didn’t see anyone fish me out the Styx?” Zagreus was asking, “I mean, you would’ve noticed someone carrying me down the hall, right?”

“Absolutely!” Hypnos exclaimed, “I’m sure the effort of carrying someone as big as you would’ve woken me up – if I was asleep that is, which I wasn’t!”

“So how did I end up in bed?” Zagreus asked.

“I dunno,” Hypnos replied, “Maybe ask Mother, she’s right near your door most of the time!”

It was sound advice but Thanatos was fairly sure there was no way their Mother could know. Not unless she was looking directly into Zagreus’ room when he appeared. Report delivered; he had no further excuse to linger. Undoubtedly Lord Hades would make some comment if he strayed this close to his desk for too long. With a low sigh, Thanatos went back to work. Disappearing off to a war-torn stretch of countryside, filled with travelling carts of displaced townsfolk, their homes a smoking wreckage in the distance. These mortals were clearly clinging on to what little they had, but his arrival announced their efforts insufficient. When the first shade screamed at him to get away from her, he merely gritted his teeth. When another yelled at him for being a heartless monster, he sighed again. Would these mortals rather be greeted by Ares? Be driven to the banks of the Styx by the one who delighted in the destruction of their way of life? Why did the gods that delighted in their suffering deserve such avid worship when all he received was vitriol? Thanatos had long tried to make peace with the fact that he was something to be avoided, not worshipped. Cursed rather than celebrated. Even Hypnos had more admirers than he, those who would beg for the blessing of sleep to wipe away their aches and woes. No one welcomed Death. No one wanted to learn his secrets, receive his blessing… Once upon a time, heading home at relieved the woes of being so wilfully forgotten. Not anymore. Not when he feared they had all turned their backs on him as well.

“Come,” he told the cacophony of terrified and hateful voices, “The Styx beckons, and beyond, your Eternity.”

The mass of dead drowned each other out as he gently shepherded them towards the banks where his elder brother waited in perfect silence. Thanatos gave Charon a polite nod before turning back, ready to fetch the next wave of lost souls from the never-ending tide of loss.

Thanatos was prepared not to see his home again for quite some time. He could go months without seeing his family, months without a glimpse of Zagreus or the opulence of the House. Yet, it was a matter of mere days before he felt that familiar tug upon his conscious thought. That instinctive urge of being needed, of a death approaching that meant more than any other. Knowing exactly where he would end up, he closed his eyes and let that need take him. He reappeared back in his hiding spot, behind a verdant bed beside the banks of the Styx, watching as Zagreus approached the goddess he knew now to be his mother. It was hardly surprising that he had questions for her, so many questions as he tried to get them out before his inevitable demise. Thanatos already understood what he must do. He waited, watched, allowed Zagreus as much time as possible before the pain became too much to bear for them both. Unable to let him suffer any further, Thanatos stepped forward with an authoritative flick of his blade. Once more, Zagreus fell. Once more, Persephone wept. Once more, Thanatos planned to take the prince into his arms.

“My lady,” he murmured, as he bent down to scoop up Zagreus. He leant his head against the soft fabric covering his shoulder, as if that would achieve better rest for now.

“Thanatos,” the Queen replied, her voice choked with tears, “You’re back. You’re holding him. Why? Won’t his…his body fade as he returns to the Underworld?”

Admittedly, he had hoped she wouldn’t ask. He’d rather not to draw attention to his unconventional retrieval. She was here when it happened however, so the question was unavoidable.

“Prince Zagreus has died so many gruesome untimely deaths, that it would be amiss of me not to ease those I can,” he told her, “I would rather he make his recovery in the peace of his own bedchamber, rather than floating in the Styx. I am the only one who can secure that for him.”

For some strange reason, she smiled at him.

“Is this how Death treats all his charges?” she asked, merriment twinkling in her eyes “A personal escort and bedrest?”

Thanatos blinked at her. Was she mocking him? Her smile reminded him so much of Zagreus when he thought he had some witty remark to make.

“Only for Prince Zagreus,” he told her, “There would be insufficient time to provide that for every soul who has occurred a peaceful passing.”

It was time to get going. Yet once again, as he tried to leave her, the Queen called out to him.

“Thanatos!”

“Yes my lady?” he asked, clutching Zagreus a little tighter, just to make sure that warmth remained.

“I’m sorry for not recognising you immediately when last we met,” the Queen stated, “I remember you being so small, sat on your mother’s lap as she plaited ribbons into your hair. You’ve grown into quite the young man since then. I didn’t recognise you at first.”

That made sense. More sense than Thanatos wanted to discuss.

“Apology accepted, my lady,” he replied with a polite nod, “Now please, excuse me.”

He vanished in a flash of green and the ring of a bell.

Even as he tucked Zagreus into bed once more, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of disquiet over what the Queen had asked of him. Not just the last part. He knew perfectly well that he looked different to when last he had met the Queen. Even without his long hair and ribbons, he had very much been a small child back then. Surely no one looked the same in adulthood as they had been in their first few years. Thanatos ran a hand through his own hair as he saw to it that the prince would rest in comfort. Zagreus had once mentioned he liked Thanatos’ long hair better. As tempted as he had been to grow it out because of that, because perhaps Zagreus might take notice of him again, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. The fact was, he liked himself less when he had long hair, and he didn’t need to add his own to the voices that already cursed him.

Yet that wasn’t the only source of his concern as he disappeared again, not back to work this time, but to the quiet of his own chamber. He had been bothered enough that he knew these thoughts would linger even if he went back to his duties. Therefore it would only increase productivity if he took a small moment to himself before heading back to the surface. Ideally, he’d go sit in the lounge with a drink while he sorted himself out. The shades always gave him a wide berth and even Megaera knew not to bother him when he got like this. She’d make some quip about leaving him to brood in peace before taking her drink across the room. However hanging out in the lounge, directly across from Zagreus’ room, would only raise suspicion as to his actions. So instead, he returned to his barely used bedroom.

His little piece of the Underworld was spotlessly clean. The dark furniture and hardwood floor much simpler than any in the main house. His smooth purple bedlinen – embroidered with a faint pattern of butterflies, looked like it had never seen use with not a line or rumple out of place. Dozens of books stood in rows upon the ceiling-tall shelves, still bearing titles that would entertain a curious adolescent, not an adult god who had gone out to see what their contents were truly like. Only his desk showed obvious signs of use. Rows of empty waiting scrolls stood ready for future reports beside two spare bottles of ink, though the first had never run dry. The area would be the picture of professionalism if not for the relic suspended above it. High above the desk and slightly to the left was a little wooden structure – a miniature house attached to the wall. It was painted beautifully, with ornate pillars detailed in gold and a purple tiled roof made of hundreds of tiny little pieces. Inside the house was a nest of ribbons, leftover bits of fabric and part of an old chiton Thanatos had long outgrown. He stood for a moment, staring at Mort’s old home and wondering what more the companion had seen, now he wasn’t stuck in the same dwelling all the time. Perhaps it was no wonder Mort had left, with only Thanatos and that little house to occupy his time. It couldn’t have been very interesting for him. Yet he came back, right in time for Thanatos to give responsibility of him over to Zagreus. He knew Zagreus was showing Mort the Underworld – he had answered Zagreus’ call twice of late. Still, the vacant house still attached to his wall left a slight feeling of emptiness about the place. Well, at least he never dwelt here long.

Thanatos crossed over to his bed, hesitated a moment, before sitting down. As he sat, there was a slight chink of glass against his boot and he looked down. There, stood by his bedpost, was the Ambrosia. The very same Ambrosia that, once gifted, had overwhelmed his feelings so much he had given up Mort. He picked it up off the ground, watching the amber liquid glitter seemingly of its own light. If he could capture that spark of hope again, that sudden ephemeral joy he’d felt when Zagreus had passed him that bottle, he would forsake a thousand days of duties. He knew the legends around Ambrosia, even before he’d never seen a bottle of the godly beverage. They said that the true flavour of the drink came from the affections of the one presenting the gift. That each bottle could only be opened once you had given it to one with whom you shared your heart’s passion. Yet Zagreus had given it to him. Went as far as saying that he liked Thanatos whilst doing so. Of course there was liked and then there was ‘liked’. But the sight of legendary liquor in Zagreus’ hands and the earnest look in his eyes -Thanatos had let himself believe, if only for a moment. In that singular conversation, he’d let himself think that Zagreus felt as deeply in return as Thanatos did for him. And then Zagreus had turned away, run off to his mentor, and promptly shattered all of Thanatos’ hopes and dreams. Achilles had asked Zagreus, plainly and simply, whether he loved Thanatos because he’d given him this gift. And Zagreus… He’d been shocked, perhaps even appalled, by the idea. He’d denied it so quickly, so loudly too! Such a firm rejection and Thanatos had been standing right there, listening to his dreams being shattered like glass. He felt like Zagreus had raised his hopes so high only to bring him lower as a result. He felt led on, by this gift, rather than being pleased by whatever empty flattery Zagreus had intended. This wasn’t what you did to someone you liked! However much you liked them! Didn’t Zagreus understand how much this bottle meant? This was Ambrosia! A symbol of love! And now Mort was gone too, a piece of Thanatos’ heart, a symbol of their childhood together, gone with Zagreus… Now all he had was this bottle - a symbol of this one-sided affection of his. He scowled at the bottle as he wrestled off the stopper. He wanted to sit with his thoughts and drink. Why not this? Saved him going out to the lounge any time soon.

He didn’t have a glass but no one was around to judge him. His first sip from the bottle was a tentative one, unsure quite what to expect. Yet the first drop of Ambrosia left him immediately thirsting for another, and then another, until it became a desperate craving that even a god could not ignore. With the sweetness and texture of honey, it slowly dripped across his tongue and down his throat, leaving a trail of blissful warmth in its wake. He didn’t understand how something left on his cold bedroom floor could be so wonderfully hot, but he could feel that gorgeous heat course through him like he had submerged himself in a steaming bath. Or better yet, pressed himself up against another source of heat he so desperately craved. Yes, that was what this warmth reminded him of. The long-lost cosiness of being in Zagreus’ embrace. His arm around his shoulders as they tried to concentrate on a book. Their play-wrestling in entrance hall. Falling asleep with his head in Zagreus’ lap as Zagreus plaited messy braids into his hair. Thanatos had always run cold – he didn’t know whether it was hereditary or just him. Yet Zagreus had always seemed like a furnace in comparison. How could he not associate him with heat? Oh a toast for the times they could be close like that! When a touch meant so little, so careless in its nature.

He drank deeply, eyes closed, remembering all the other times he’d felt so warm. He could pretend, just for a little while, that this bottle had meant what he thought it had. That Zagreus had meant to remind him of all the wonderful times they’d had together. That he’d promised that they could have more of those times in the future. Every time he tried to put the bottle down, he found himself yearning for one more sip, one more mouthful, one more glimpse at what it could’ve been like if they hadn’t drifted apart. It was his fault. He knew it was his fault. For working too much. For attending to his duty. For neglecting Zagreus so he went off to find others he liked more. But one more drop, one more mouthful of sweet Ambrosia, let him imagine, let him dream that perhaps in another life they’d have shared this bottle together. Sat side by side, shoulder to shoulder, warm and cold, having long conversations about anything and everything. They’d spent every moment they could together, around their respective duties, sneaking hugs and kisses when they passed by each other in a corridor. Perhaps they’d visit other parts of the Underworld together – a fishing trip to Asphodel, a picnic in Elysium. He’d be there, just like he should have been, whenever the weight of the Underworld became too much Zagreus to bear. Be the patient ear to listen, the strong shoulder to lean on, whenever living under his father’s rule became too much to cope with. And Zagreus… Zagreus wouldn’t care that he was stuff nightmares were made of. Zagreus knew the true him, not the horrifying spectre that the mortals thought him of. Whenever he doubted whether he was even worth loving…

No.

He refused to think of that.

Thanatos opened one eye, tipping the Ambrosia bottle and finding it empty. He opened the other eye and stared at the empty glassware in dawning horror.

No!

No please…

Let him dream some more. Let him imagine, just a little longer, what could’ve been. The bottle clattered to the ground as he felt a growing wetness at his cheeks, at his lips, that had nothing to do with drink. Shimmering gold tears dampened his face as he tried to regain that euphoric sense of a better existence. But no, the Ambrosia was gone, and all his head could achieve was a dull throb, and a sense of spinning very fast, as he tried to get to his feet. He tried to get up, stand, float, but his balance was gone. Putting one foot in front of the other had suddenly become a momentous task, making him flail atop the covers as he struggled to float elegantly to his feet. He let out a groan as he clutched at his head, his cheek smarting from where it had collided with a bed post. Everything had been so good just a moment ago, and now he was hurt and sad. He just wanted to dream some more and pretend everything was good.

Wait!

That was it! He should dream, and to dream he should try sleeping. Feeling like a mess of limbs and fabric, he scrambled around on the bed until his head was on a pillow and his feet were at the opposite end. Then, he closed his eyes, and waited for blessed sleep.

Nothing happened.

Thanatos opened his eyes. Took a deep breath. Then closed them again, and waited for sleep.

Still nothing.

Countless attempts later, Thanatos was railing at his inability to do something as simple as sleep. He had tried the ‘close your eyes and wait’ method so many times you would think it would’ve worked by now. He’d tried it facing the ceiling. He’d tried it facing the wall. He’d laid face down on the covers to block out any and all distraction. Yet nothing had worked. The thrill of the Ambrosia had now thoroughly worn off, leaving him woozy and disorientated. He felt yet more tears escape he realised he was so terrible at everything in his existence, that he couldn’t even sleep. And he should! He should be able to sleep at least! Death was the brother of Sleep after all. He knew Sleep Incarnate personally! Why couldn't he just…do it!

“Hypn’s,” he murmured into his pillow, “Hypn’s please… Help me’”

No response. He did his best to concentrate on exactly where he knew Hypnos should be. This only served to give him a stabbing sensation to the brain, so he resorted to mumbling:

“Need you. Hypnos. Brother. Please…”

Suddenly the handle on his door rattled. Realising that it wasn’t in fact locked, the door flew open and in came the very brother that Thanatos had been desperate to see. Unfortunately that desperation didn’t extend to hearing said brother, for what Hypnos said next was certainly far too loud for his sore head.

“Whoa, you look like shit!”

Thanatos made a noise into his pillow that would better suit their older brother, Charon, instead. This did not deter Hypnos from drifting over to survey the heap of his brother upon the bed.

“Are you crying?” he asked, his voice momentarily dropping its customarily cheery tone, “Wait… is that booze?”

Thanatos peeked up from the pillow just in time to see Hypnos swoop down to pick up the empty bottle off the floor

“Ambrosia!” he exclaimed, “You got smashed on Ambrosia? How did this happen?”

Thanatos forced himself onto his side, reaching one arm up to grip the pillow in place.

“Zag’s fault,” he murmured, “his fault he made me feel nice and then…broke everything.”

Hypnos blinked at him as he curled up in mid-air to lie beside his brother.

“Zag gave you Ambrosia? Isn’t that like…everything you’ve ever wanted?”

Thanatos wasn’t in the right state of mind to comprehend the full ramifications of that statement. Instead he settled for giving Hypnos the whole sorry story.

“I thought…I thought he liked me,” he choked out, a solitary tear rolling down his cheek, “But then…he goes declaring for the whole wing to hear that…that he never said anything of the sort. Every time I try…saying how I…he just finds a way to make it hurt. But it’s drink right? So I drinked it and…it felt me feel so happy but now… now I’m just sad again. And stressed. And no one likes me. And I don’t like me. Please make me sleep?”

Hypnos was staring at him as if watching a particularly riveting piece of theatre. He was alert in a way that Thanatos hadn’t seen him a long while.

“You’re so hammered!” he commented, “I mean properly Daedalus’d and everything. Y'know it’d be nice if you came and had honest chats with your one and only twin when you weren’t off your ass in drink.”

“’M sorry,” Thanatos slurred, “’M sorry that I’m so bad at…everything.”

“I’m not telling you off,” Hypnos assured him, “Just, I’m your big brother you know. You can come have a depression nap with me anytime.”

“Twin,” Thanatos reminded him, “But thanks.”

He kind of wanted that nap now please.

“So what’s all this nonsense about Zag not liking you huh?” Hypnos continued, “I mean you felt happy when you drank it, which meant the person gave it to you is made happy when you’re… wait!”

He sat bolt upright.

“It’s you!” he proclaimed, pointing at Thanatos as if he’d just solved a great mystery.

Thanatos merely clapped a hand over his one exposed ear to mute the noise slightly

“You’re the one putting Zagreus back in his bed when he dies up top! You just poof right in and out, it has to you!” Hypnos exclaimed, “You’re tucking him in and everything!”

“I want to sleep,” Thanatos mumbled, trying to remind Hypnos why exactly he was here in the first place. Not to throw around these baseless speculations.

“Nuh-uh,” Hypnos told him, “You’ll get your sleep when you fess up. Have you or have you not carried Zagreus back to bed twice now, rather than letting him float down the Styx?”

Thanatos stared at him. Hypnos stared right back, Admittedly, he looked rather blurry.

“If I tell you, I can sleep?” Thanatos asked.

“Sure,” Hypnos replied.

Thanatos glanced back at his pillow.

“Promise not to tell an’one?”

Hypnos eagerly nodded.

Gaze fixed on his bedlinen; Thanatos tried to come up with an intelligible explanation for his brother. Yet even as he tried, he felt his head swim with the effort of it.

“I made sure Zag was comfy in bed,” he managed, “Is a more restful way to heal than…floating.”

“I knew it!” Hypnos hissed, as if he’d been fostering this theory for more than a few minutes, “But why not let him come back the usual way?”

“Because I care ‘bout him,” Thanatos said, “I want to be there… make things easier. He deserves….everything.”

Hypnos was giving him a knowing smile that he did not particularly want to see right now. He buried his face back in the pillow so he didn’t have to.

“Alright, you earned your nap,” Hypnos told him, now sounding as if he was very far away, “A few hours of untroubled sleep just for you. Enjoy!”

Thanatos didn’t have time to thank him, for he was already fast asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whilst experiencing an ungodly hangover, Thanatos must endure the various Olympians that want to meddle in his 'relationship' with Zagreus.

Thanatos realised he hadn’t specified a length of sleep in his drunken state, but that didn’t make up for the fact he was now abysmally behind on work. Even a few hours generated such a backlog of mortals that needed locating and bringing to the Styx, that he was reminded why he never took breaks in the first place. He cursed his own idiocy as he staggered out his bed, feeling like someone was repeatedly trying to bash in his skull with a heavy iron shield. After sparing himself the time to put on a less rumpled set of clothing, he nevertheless went back to work. This was probably a mistake. The mortal realm was very loud, full of sights, sounds and smells he didn’t have to deal with back in the Underworld. He preferred not to deal with Helios’ chariot on a good day. However just the mere glimpse of it from under his hood made his eyes water and forced him to turn away. He worked on nevertheless. Did he really have a choice? A hangover was no excuse to shirk his duties, especially when this current state of suffering was mostly self-inflicted. It took every last bit of his resolve to remain patient with the mortals he was escorting. They were just a bit too loud, a bit too active, for his liking. Pushing back how he felt and simply managing was, however, an area of his expertise. So he drew his hood up as far as it could go and tried to shield his face from the world.

Everything seemed to be going fine until he encountered Hermes at the banks of the Styx, both meeting from different corners of the world with their charges.

“Hey, you’re looking a little more foreboding than usual,” Hermes commented, “Y’know people are going to recognise you regardless of where your hood is?”

“I have no need for such deception,” Thanatos informed him, “Death comes for all, they know when it’s their time.”

“Yeah, thought so,” Hermes replied, “So what’s the matter then? Are you ill? Injured? Bad haircut? You know you can grow that stuff back right?”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Thanatos stated, clearly and firmly, so there would be doubt as to how fine he was, “It’s simply a matter of Helios’ Chariot being a little too bright today.”

Hermes glanced up at the sky. It was decidedly grey and overcast in the mortal realm that morning, potentially threatening rain. Thanatos was fairly sure he was about to comment on that when he was interrupted by the familiar sounds of a boat arriving by the banks of the river. The presence of Charon served to distract Hermes completely, giving him a fresh face to chatter to and enabling them both to get on with their jobs. Packing their collections of souls onto the vessel proved quick work between the pair of them, giving Thanatos hope that they could be done before there were any more prying questions about his hood. He hoped, however, in vain.

“Hey Charon, what’s up with your little bro today? Says he’s having trouble with the sunlight.”

Thanatos gave the noisy Olympian his best death glare. When they were younger, Zagreus had once told him that every glare he gave was a death glare, simply due to the fact he was Death Incarnate. The one he was currently fixing Hermes with today however, was particularly venomous. Not that Hermes could see it because of his hood. Thanatos opened his mouth to state that perhaps they should be concentrating on the task at hand rather than his fashion choices. Yet, no sooner did he try and get the words out, then a new pain coursed through his chest as rapid as a lightning strike.

Zagreus!

“I must go,” Thanatos told Charon and Hermes, “I’m needed in the Underworld.”

Before they could so much as blink, he was gone in a flash of green. The affect-effects of the pain were still prickling through his system, making his chest muscles spasm horribly as Thanatos appeared in a seemingly-unoccupied patch of Elysium. At least this new pain had nothing to do with his hangover. No, this was the result of him interfering with his mother’s mirror, inserting his own little enchantment for Zagreus to use. Prying apart the fabric of Nyx’s creation had been a risky operation and he truly hadn’t understood how risky until the first time Zagreus had used his new “Death Defiance”. It turned out actively going against the point of your existence, in this case being and defying Death, was agonising. It tore through the very fabric of his being as if struck by crackling lightning. However it seemed unlikely there any going back now even if he wanted to. Thanatos did not regret his actions and the sudden bursts of pain served as a succinct warning as to when Zagreus needed him most. His usual methods, occasionally checking in on the state of Zagreus’ soul, got less accurate the further he was from the Underworld. This, though, was abundantly clear.

The chamber he’d arrived in seemed to be the room Zagreus had just vacated. Blood and ichor coated the ground, spectral weapons shining in the dim lighting of the glade. Thanatos gritted his teeth as his head throbbed at even this minimal light. The pain in his chest was swiftly being replaced with a quiet rage. Anger at his hangover, at the life choices that put him in this state. Leftover annoyance at Hermes’ prying questions. Fury at the fact there was far too much red blood on the ground amidst the ichor. Too many drops sprayed upon the statuary. Too much of a puddle where Zagreus had no doubt come back, clinging onto life. Thanatos set his sights on the chamber’s exits. He didn’t need to guess which one Zagreus had taken because of the trail of blood now leading to the left-hand side. There was no denying that Zagreus had experienced much pain here and that was simply unacceptable. Too many idiot shades trying to collect bounties that meant nothing. What did they even need money for in Elysium? They had an eternity in paradise ahead of them and they still wanted more?! The nerve of some souls! It was truly time to put them back in their places!

Bad mood now warlike, he teleported into the next chamber with all his usual fanfare. However he paid the bell no mind for his instinct was to immediately seek out where Zagreus might be. He found him, behind a towering phoenix statue, as an army of impatient Exalted advanced across the room. Thanatos couldn’t help but note that Zagreus was wearing the broach he’d given him. It wasn’t doing him much good no doubt, considering how heavily wounded Zagreus was. The sight of blood dripping down Zagreus’ neck and shoulders whipped Thanatos up into a rage unlike any other. Wretched shades led on by thrice-wretched promises! Didn’t they understand that this was their prince? A literal god standing in their midst? Such needless bloodshed for empty reward! Why couldn’t they just be happy with eternal bliss and leave Zagreus be!

“Stay back,” Thanatos ordered, “I have this.”

Zagreus blinked at him, already raising his shield for the conflict ahead. He no doubt expected another one of their contests, however Thanatos wasn’t in the mood for games. These shades clearly had a death wish and here he was to oblige. Unfortunately for them, Death was hungover and _livid_. In one smooth silent motion, Thanatos drew his sword.

“Than, what are you…?”

As Zagreus pushed himself up off the statue, the chamber suddenly grew very dark. Even the ambient glow of the Lethe faded, as this little patch of Elysium descended into unnatural twilight. The Exalted paused as the very air around them was tinted purple, blanketing the area from the marble of its arches down to the roots of its grass. Darkness gathered from the shadows of every hedge and statue, a rich swirling indigo that reached snake-like for the startled shades. It wrapped around their ankles, rooting them in place as Thanatos advanced, scythe floating before him whilst he readied his blade.

**“Die.”**

Ichor rained like spray from the River Styx. The captured shades were but one of many waves of fools that dared try their hand at harming Zagreus. Thanatos was a whirlwind of glowing blades, scythe and sword effortlessly carving through warrior after chariot, archer after soulcatcher, leaving a trail of black ichor and glowing violet butterflies in his wake. Each soul taken by his scythe only fuelled his dance of destruction across the glade. When he held his little contests with Zagreus, a guise for easing his route, he had to hold back. Had to give Zagreus a fighting chance against one whose very purpose was reaping souls such as these. If he unleashed his full fury on every encounter, then he’d never have an excuse to present Zagreus with that much need boon, a centaur heart for his upcoming trials. Here however… there was no need to hold back. Brow furrowed in rage, Thanatos diced his way through foe after foe, even as the wretches dared turn their assaults on him. As a pair of Brightshields took exception to presence, Thanatos charged across the chamber, blowing back grass and hedgerows in his wake. As soon as they were in reach of his blade, they were naught but a hopeless wail, a stain of ichor on the grass, another fluttering soul ready to be returned to the Styx from whence it came. By the time the battle was done, Thanatos’ scythe was heavy with newly-dead souls. He would deposit them in the Styx when he returned to work. However, there were more important matters to attend to first. Namely, Zagreus.

He was still by the phoenix statue where Thanatos had left him. Though there was certainly no way he could’ve contributed to that particular fight, it looked like he hadn’t even attempted to. This concerned Thanatos immensely. Whatever the odds, even when he was hopelessly outmatched, Zagreus always gave it his all. However he was currently kneeling at the base of the statue, shield resting on the ground but clutched to him as if he was trying to protect his thighs and lower torso. As Thanatos approached, and as the light level returned to normal, he saw that Zagreus’ mismatched eyes were wide and his mouth partially open. He had gone very pink, visible even under the ichor that had splattered across his face. As Thanatos approached him, he drew his shield against his lower half that bit tighter. Was he scared? Shocked? Injured? What was wrong? The chance to let loose had quelled Thanatos’ rage but it was swiftly being replaced with concern for Zagreus’ welfare. Why hadn’t got up? Had he injured his legs? Was that why he was trying to shield that part of his body from view?

“Here,” Thanatos told him, offering him the customary centaur heart.

Zagreus blinked up at him.

“I didn’t even land a hit,” he commented. His voice sounded a little choked.

“Just take it,” Thanatos insisted, dropping the boon at his feet, “You are evidently not yourself right now. Take this as a chance to rest before you arouse any further attention.”

“Arouse? How… I- I mean, yes, right, thanks.” He didn’t seem entirely aware of his surroundings. Thanatos watched with increasing levels of worry as Zagreus carefully managed to manoeuvre himself so he was still concealed behind his shield even as he went to pick up the heart. Why was he trying to hide his injury so much? Thanatos had seen him injured before. What was there to be ashamed of? He’d also seen him dead, not that Zagreus knew that.

“This attempt appears to have been particularly hard on you,” Thanatos noted as he tried to ascertain exactly what the matter was. It seemed to be taking a lot of effort for him to get to his feet. He swiftly offered Zagreus a hand, supporting his weight as he got up and brushed himself off behind his weapon.

“Yes,” Zagreus panted, “It is hard- I mean, yes, it’s been a hard run. Got to go keep going though!”

His hand lingered in Thanatos’ a little longer than perhaps was necessary. Thanatos stared at it and then him. Zagreus’ face went a deeper shade of pink as he hastily let go.

“Well try to be a little more careful out there, take some rest if you can” Thanatos reminded him, “It’ll only hurt if you thrust yourself into danger unprepared.”

“Yep, got it, will do,” Zagreus replied, nodding quickly as he picked up his shield from the ground. He started striding towards next door with great haste, as if he wished to be done with this conversation as soon as possible. What happened to resting? Well, it was his choice if he wanted to carry on fighting. Thanatos should really get back to work

“Don’t forget about Mort,” Thanatos called after him, “If you say you want me, I’ll come.”

Zagreus audibly groaned as he reached the next door. Yet it wasn’t a noise of pain. Thanatos was left very confused as Zagreus made his way into the following chamber, but helpless to do anything about it. Well, if Zagreus didn’t want his help then fine. As he said, he’d be there if he was needed and that didn’t appear to be now.

Thanatos returned to the surface world to get back to work. Whilst he still wasn’t feeling great, the chance to wipe out a small army of shades had at least proved therapeutic. He set about his duties, pushing past the discomfort to simply get through his schedule. All was fairly normal for a while. Or at least it was manageable. Until he ran into Hermes again that is.

To be fair to the god, Hermes was only doing his duty much like Thanatos. However he was sure nowhere in the messenger God’s job description did it say he had to be quite so loud, chatty and all round just too energetic for Thanatos’ liking. Still he did his job well and certainly made Thanatos’ existence easier. He could forgive Hermes’ overall exuberance as long as it wasn’t directed into prying questions into his social life. Or what he did in his free time. Unfortunately for Thanatos on this occasion, that seemed to be exactly what was on Hermes’ mind.

He had just passed Charon a dozen or so souls from a village with a poisoned well when the Olympian caught up with him on the way to his next destination.

“Heya Than!” he called, nimbly joining him upon the mountain path, “Got a little something for you!”

Why was he so loud?!

“Had a little chat with my esteemed associate just after you nipped off and he told me that Zag’s short the bottle of Ambrosia he’s been carrying about with him. According to your big bro, Ambrosia is real rare treat around your neck of the woods and a symbol of love at that! Didn’t take us that long to put two and two together ‘cause nothing causes quite the skull ache like a night on the liquor of the Gods!”

Oh blood and darkness! Thanatos immediately opened his mouth to object but Hermes was just too fast to interrupt.

“So I went to see my little bro Di and got you something for your hangover. Consider it a boon from your good pal Hermes!”

He offered Thanatos a small ceramic bowl filled faintly bubbling pink liquid. It smelt like grapes but it was definitely too pink and frothy to be entirely grape. Needless to say, he eyed it warily.

“It’s the real deal,” Hermes insisted, “Must’ve had this stuff a thousand times by now. No one knows a hangover cure like Di, he’s had enough of them after all!”

Thanatos gently took the proffered bowl, still not entirely what he was getting himself into. However he couldn’t stand the idea of having to work anymore with this gods-awful headache.

“Do I owe you for this boon?” he asked, tentatively sniffing the bowl. Yes, definitely grape.

“Oh nah,” Hermes replied, “Consider it a gift among colleagues! Though if you’re in a giving mood, you could always put in a good word about yours truly with your big bro there. Wouldn’t hurt, would it?”

Ah. This all made sense now. Hermes was helping him because he wanted to look good in front of Charon by helping his little brother. Well, he wasn’t going to turn down a legendary Olympian hangover cure if he could help it. Even if talking to Charon about Hermes was a bit pointless.

“He already likes you, you know,” he told Hermes before taking a sip from the bowl. It tasted like simple grape juice but cut through his headache like a blade through soft cheese. He’d already drunk half the bowl when Hermes decided to reply:

“Yeah, sure but there's ‘like’ like mates and then there’s ‘ _like_ ’ like you and Zag, if you know what I mean.”

Thanatos would have spat out his cure if not for a timely slap to the face as he hastily covered his mouth with one hand. He rapidly swallowed the last of it, feeling much better even as he spluttered:

“There’s nothing happening between Zagreus and I!”

Hermes raised an eyebrow at him, looking highly amused.

“Yeah, he literally just gave you Ambrosia, I’m not sure you can pull that one on us,” he commented, “You may not be chatting about it, but I’m not the god of love and even I can tell something’s up with you two.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Thanatos snapped, trying to both hand him back his bowl and avoid looking at him at the same time. This proved challenging.

“The Ambrosia meant nothing to Zagreus, he said so himself. If-if you’re so interested in chatting then why don’t you just go ask Charon if he’d allow you to court him.”

“”Alright. Why don’t you just go and ask Zagreus what his feelings are then?” Hermes quipped back, “If it's that easy?”

“Zagreus doesn’t have any feelings!” Thanatos retorted, “About me, I mean. Look. You have my gratitude. I will say something complimentary about you to Charon. Just take this and never...”

Wait. Why was he even arguing about this? He tossed the bowl back at Hermes before vanishing in a flash of green light. Augh! Infuriating Olympians and their noisy infuriating ways! Nosy Busybodies the lot of them! How could they even begin to understand the history and depth of experience that had transpired between the two of them? How could they know what it was like to exist in the depths of the Underworld? To take affection where you could find it whilst the mortals cursed your existence? To grow up in that place knowing it was your purpose to drag others down to suffer with you? And Zagreus, how could any of them claim to understand how Zagreus felt when they’d only known he’d existed for the last few months? If they truly cared about their long-lost cousin or nephew, they could do so much more than fling Zagreus random titbits of power to see what might happen! They were Lord Hades’ relatives after all. If they truly cared about Zagreus then they could simply have stridden past Cerberus and come got him. But no, they just waited as Zagreus died again and again. Instead of caring that a member of their own family suffered thus. Had suffered so long with his terrible excuse for a father and no true sense of purpose. Zagreus wasn’t just some idle entertainment! He was as Olympian by blood as they were, so why didn’t he get to experience the fabled pleasure and luxury that was Mount Olympus? Hadn’t he earned that by now? Though if he did ascend to those lofty heights, Thanatos doubted he’d ever see him again. Even though this was about Zagreus’ happiness and not his… the thought of never seeing him again? It was more loss than he could bear to imagine.

Zagreus remained at the forefront of his thoughts as he set about his work. Enough so, that when he felt that familiar twinge that told him Zagreus had returned to the Styx once more, he decided to take a short visit home. He passed on his collection of foolish explorers and returned to the House, just in time to hear Hypnos greet Zagreus as he arrived. Poison, apparently, had been his downfall this time. Considering how injured Zagreus had been, Thanatos was proud of him for making his way out of Elysium. In retrospect, Thanatos wasn’t entirely sure why he had attempted to make his escape using that shield. Zagreus favoured the sword, occasionally the spear, and those fighting styles were quite different. Why was he putting himself at a disadvantage by adopting a weapon he was less familiar with? Practice? Surely, he was past the point of practice and just wanted to get out to see his mother? Of course Thanatos could just ask him about it. However he didn’t want to dissuade Zagreus from any attempt at practice he might be making. If he wished to learn a new weapon, so be it.

Thanatos rested his hands on the smooth stone of the balcony. His balcony, some called it, but he wasn’t sure he was here enough to truly call it his. He had noticed the appearance of a set of small chairs in traditionally Chthonic colours stood off to one side. Though he wasn’t entirely sure when those had been put there, they certainly gave the option of sitting and talking, rather than awkwardly standing there. Thanatos considered sitting down for a moment before remembering that he was only here for a brief while. Just to see Zagreus, so he could put his distracted thoughts to rest, before going back to work. A brief break before getting back on schedule – gods knows he had taken far too much time off lately. He wasn’t supposed to have a day off for quite some time yet, and he was sure his self-mandated breaks didn’t account for a few hours of napping. Perhaps he should shorten his day off in a fortnight’s time? Make it a half day? No, he had a schedule for a reason and he was loath to break it even more. He had factored the occasional conversation with Zagreus into his rota but… No more naps until now and his day off. He would just have to work even hard to make sure he deserved that day’s reprieve.

“Hey Than!”

Whilst he’d been lost in thoughts of scheduling, Zagreus had made his way into the West Wing of the House. Briefly ignoring his mentor, he’d cut a direct path to Thanatos, looking every bit excited to see him. Somehow Zagreus was always surprised and delighted to see him here after one of his escape attempts, even though he had just seen Thanatos during his trip. Whilst he couldn’t see what the fuss was about, Thanatos liked the way Zagreus looked at him. As if he was something new and exciting, a rare sight, someone to be celebrated every time they were in each other’s company. It was quite frankly a little overwhelming. Zagreus’ sheer enthusiasm at his presence was both flattering and anxiety-inducing. Thanatos had no idea what he saw in him that made him bound across the corridor like Cerberus wanting treats. What was he supposed to do in the face of such excitement? How was he supposed to live up to Zagreus’ expectations of him? Often it got so awkward that he just left. However Thanatos at least let him get his words out before he decided whether he wanted any part in the conversation at hand. Waiting patiently for Zagreus to get to him, Thanatos returned his greeting as the prince joined him. What came next however was enough to send his thoughts spinning in nonsensical directions.

More ambrosia.

Zagreus was giving him more ambrosia.

What was he playing at? What was he trying to do? Thanatos already knew how he felt after the first bottle, after that heart-breaking conversation he’d heard immediately after. Zagreus didn’t love him. His feelings for Thanatos didn’t run that deep, certainly not deep enough for such a divine gift! Why did he keep doing this? The little jump Thanatos felt in his heart, the scrap of hope he felt when he beheld that familiar glass bottle. Was Zagreus trying to be kind or cruel? Sure, Zagreus’ excuses were valid. Every bottle of ambrosia would taste different, because the drink reflected the giver’s emotions, and emotions shifted over time. Yet how could Zagreus be so blind as to how this looked? How this might be interpreted? How Thanatos’ heart wanted to interpret it?

He took the bottle. Of course he did. It would be rude not to. Besides, part of him longed for that sense of blissful nostalgia he’d received from the last bottle. It had been euphoric, a high well-worth the crushing sadness that followed. For just a little while, he’d been so entirely happy that nothing else had mattered. Lost in thoughts of what had been, or what could’ve been, it was bliss. If he just sipped at it slower this time, perhaps he could draw out the ecstasy a little longer. Oh, to be so happy and carefree once more! Worth the hangover, worth the crash, now he’d experienced both sides of this drink he couldn’t deny himself the longing for more.

Of course he said none of this out loud. He thanked Zagreus for the gift, promised to try it, and thought perhaps that might be the end of their conversation. Yet it wasn’t. Zagreus watched him hold onto the bottle like it was some precious jewel as he continued:

“Than, can I ask you about something?”

His voice had dropped into a note of slight awkwardness – a tangible change from the excitement he’d expressed previously.

“Of course,” Thanatos replied, his voice perfectly level even as he wondered what had made Zagreus become so nervous.

“I mean it’s nothing big,” Zagreus stated, “But I had a chat with Hypnos earlier.”

That was never how Thanatos wanted to start a conversation but here they were.

“And he asked me to warn him if I ever gave you another bottle of Ambrosia,” Zagreus continued as Thanatos’ heart sank with every word. Hypnos why….what did you do?!

“Said something about wanting some forewarning in case, his words not mine, “ _Thanatos_ _gets all drunk and weepy again and starts bashing himself over the head with his own self-loathing_.” Did… Did I do that?”

Thanks Hypnos. Thanks for absolutely nothing! What happened to promising not to tell Zagreus? He was pretty sure Hypnos had promised not to tell Zagreus! Side note, Zagreus did a very passable Hypnos impression. However that wasn’t important right now. He couldn’t believe his own brother would do this to him. He had spoken to Hypnos in confidence! Drunken vulnerable confidence, and this was how he treated him? Thanatos had half a mind to teleport across the house and go berate Hypnos for his complete disregard of his brother’s privacy. However Zagreus was now looking up at him with concern in his mismatched eyes.

“Than, please tell me, did I make you miserable?”

“No, nothing of the sort,” Thanatos replied a little too quickly for his own liking, “Pay this information no mind. Ignore it.”

Zagreus was assuming he’d made him miserable with the Ambrosia when in fact it was quite the reverse. The Ambrosia had been wonderful. It was his own sorry thoughts that had ruined the proceedings, that had foolishly called his traitorous brother to his side.

“How can you ask that of me?” Zagreus retorted, “When I’ve just found out you were miserable? Ambrosia is meant to impart how you feel around the other person, but I’ve never been miserable around you. Which means you’re sad for another reason Than, and I don’t know why. What can I do to help you?”

Oh gods. Oh gods above and below, he couldn’t deal with this right now. There was so much he could say. He could ask, just like Hermes suggested, he could just come out with it and asked how Zagreus felt about him. But he didn’t want to pressure him now Zagreus knew he was miserable. He couldn’t force Zagreus to lie to him to make him feel better. No. Zagreus had bigger better concerns to deal with right now. He should not be paying Thanatos any mind.

“You do enough around here,” Thanatos told him, “Bearing the emotional burdens of so many, solving problems that were never yours to worry about, whilst you must carry your own suffering. I will not add to the load.”

Zagreus blinked at him in surprise. Yet that expression of concern never wavered.

“But…I want you to,” he objected, “I want you to rely on me Than, like I rely on you. You must tell me, is there anything I can do? Anything I can change. Am I responsible for any of your sadness? Your self-loathing?”

“No Zagreus,” Thanatos replied quickly. It wasn’t strictly a lie. It was not Zagreus’ fault that Thanatos felt more deeply than he could ever reciprocate.

“Anything,” Zagreus insisted, “Anything at all? Because you shouldn’t hate yourself. I don’t know why you would, I mean, look at you… you’re amazing.”

Zagreus was blushing now. What was he trying to achieve here? To make Thanatos more of a mess than he already was? It was all Thanatos could do to keep himself composed as he felt his mind start to unravel at the seams. He felt a slight heat at his own cheeks and inwardly wished he could put his hood back up without seeming suspicious.

“Do…Do not burden yourself with thoughts of me,” he reiterated, “Focus on your own goals. I will be there when you need me, that will never change.”

He hesitated for a moment before the moment became too much to bear. Zagreus had called him amazing. Zagreus actually wanted to help him, to make him feel better… He couldn’t. He just couldn’t process this right now.

“Zag?”

“Yes?” Zagreus replied at once. Thanatos hesitated, not entirely sure where he was going with this. So chose the easiest way out.

“Thank you.”

Disappearing in a flash of green, Thanatos stopped by his room before retreating back to his work. The Ambrosia did not end up on the floor this time. Now he understood its effects, the beverage got treated with a higher reverence. Placed on his desk next to his spare parchment and neat schedule, Thanatos decided that it would be appropriate the save the drink until his day off in two weeks’ time. Making a note of this on his schedule sheet, he then left for the mortal realm once more. There was a lot of work to be done if he deserved that break – Ambrosia and all. Therefore it was only right for him to throw himself into his duties with all the fervour he could allow. Only a fool could deny that when Death Incarnate was wholly committed to his duty, he worked to perfection. The mortals perhaps regarded these as some of the worst weeks in human history. In one case, an entire town was harvested in the space of a few days. However much the townsfolk cursed him for it, Thanatos knew he was blameless for their end. It was not up to him to decide when they would die – that was his sisters’ domain. He merely reaped the souls and brought them to their rightful resting place. Gentle death must be preferable to being ravaged by war, he told himself, as the souls of the townsfolk travelled in boat loads down the Styx. He made sure to mention the kindness of the hangover cure to Charon, paying back his debt to Hermes as promised. Charon found this very amusing so at least he’d brightened up someone’s day amidst the slaughter.

Over the following weeks, Zagreus hit a streak of successful attempts. Or at least as successful as he could be, managing to get to and talk with his mother before succumbing to the effects of the mortal realm. He defeated his father four times in short succession, no breaks or untimely deaths in between. Thanatos was undeniably proud , even if the pain of Death Defiance kept ripping through his torso at unexpected moments. Of course these victorious climbs meant that Thanatos was given the occasional breaks from his duty. Considering how well Zagreus was doing, Thanatos had taken very few breaks of late. He would appear when Zagreus used Mort to ask for assistance, but that took a matter of seconds. Yet when he realised that Zagreus had made it back to Persephone’s garden once more, his heart had made a weird swooping sensation in his chest. On the first of the four successes he could barely believe Zagreus had made it after so many near-misses. Returning to his hidey-hole between trellises, he watched Zagreus converse until finally his time came. The sight was no less painful for seeing it a third time. The way Zagreus clung to every second, gasped out every syllable… The Fates were truly cruel. Thanatos could go and see his sisters any time he wanted. Demand they do something about this horrible circumstance. However they were older and wiser than he, ancient gods who would undoubtedly ignore his words like the tantrum of a small child. They never had much patience for him and Hypnos the brief few times they’d visited as children. Besides, they had never met Zagreus. Why would they care to lessen his suffering when he was just one of millions of threads to them?

As soon as Zagreus had grown still, Thanatos emerged. As he arrived, the Queen was already looking at the spot where he would appear. She clearly expected him.

“Thanatos,” she greeted pleasantly.

“My lady,” he replied, giving her a customary bow, before picking up Zagreus as was customary. This time however, she cut straight to the chase in asking for what she wanted.

“Could you tell me a little more about him, before you go?”

He should have anticipated this and come up with some interesting facts beforehand. Thanatos noted to do this in future, as he scrambled for something relevant to say. His gaze caught on one of the many verdant fruit trees that framed the garden and he instantly thought of something that might amuse her to think about between Zagreus’ absences.

“Zagreus eats pomegranates like they are apples,” he informed the Queen, “I attempted to rectify this when we were younger, but he claims his way is less wasteful.”

“Oh,” she said, with a slight smile, “Oh dear. Well, at least he’s eating his fruit. In that case, let’s get him something for when he wakes up, shall we?”

From her basket, she pulled out two large pomegranates. Thanatos didn’t have any hands free so she placed them on top of Zagreus in his arms.

“One for him, and one for you. Enjoy.”

Thanatos didn’t need to eat, and rarely did so, but she didn’t need to know that.

“Thank you, my lady,” he said with a nod of respect, “If you’ll excuse me.”

Upon returning Zagreus to his bed, Thanatos removed the pomegranates that had rolled into the fabric of Zagreus’ chiton. He inspected the fruit for a moment, noting how they were much larger and more colourful than those that grew in the Underworld. Putting them to one side, he made sure Zagreus was tucked in and comfortable in what was certainly a new, bigger, bed. In fact a lot had changed in his chambers since last Thanatos had been in here. There was a portrait of Achilles on the wall now, next to the piles of books that Zagreus hadn’t touched in over a decade. There was also a scrying pool beside his bed that gave off its own shimmering light in the darkness of the room, and a rather grandiose rug spread across the floor. Was Zagreus getting all this from the House Contractor? Wait…was this where those chairs had come from? Zagreus was spending his hard-earned gemstones on furniture? Shaking his head with an amused sigh, Thanatos picked up the pomegranates and delicately sliced them into quarters using his scythe. When they were much younger, Zagreus would throw pomegranates into the air to see if Thanatos could slice them before they hit the floor. That game had swiftly ended when they got told off for wasting food, but it had been fun whilst it lasted.

“Your room is filthy,” Thanatos informed the sleeping Zagreus as he looked for a good place to put the pomegranate slices, “You need to take better care of this place.”

He swept a little dust off the shelf behind Zagreus’ bed with a scarf he found there. An empty nectar bottle tumbled off the shelf and clattered to the floor. Thanatos froze at the noise, but thankfully Zagreus did not stir.

“Though perhaps take better care of yourself first,” Thanatos continued softly, “I guess that starts with nutrition.”

He cleared a patch of shelf the best he could before leaving all the pomegranate slices there. Needless to say, he wasn’t there when Zagreus awoke to discover them. However, the fruit swiftly became as much part of his routine as tucking Zagreus into bed. On the following trips to the Queen’s garden, she would give him yet more pomegranates to leave at Zagreus’ bedside. At one point she tried to give him an orange, but Thanatos truly didn’t want to see Zagreus try to chew his way through orange peel. So they stuck to pomegranates for now. The next visit came much sooner than anyone could anticipate – the next day in fact. It was so quick that Thanatos wasn’t given adequate time to come up with some truly insightful facts into Zagreus as a person. Instead, he briefly told the Queen what he could about Zagreus’ training with Achilles. She nodded through his explanation before letting him go with more fresh fruit. On the third occasion, he was a bit more prepared to tell her something useful. What to tell her in the future had occupied his thoughts that day. Ranging from simple statements, to pleas to get her to consider returning as Zagreus so wished, he was no closer to a concrete plan when the time came. After thinking of all that he could say to her, to Zagreus’ mother, it all came spilling out, mixed up, in a rush.

“Sitting still for his classes, reading quietly, or engaging in academic study was never Zagreus’ strong point,” Thanatos told her, “For he possesses too much energy, too much enthusiasm, to remain in one place within the House for too long. Yet, do not take this for a lack of intelligence. Zagreus is undeniably clever when it comes to problem-solving and outwitting those who would oppose him. He is a god of action, not of quiet contemplation. And he approaches every pursuit of his with the same passion and determination he uses to reach you. A beacon of life, of noise, of warmth…He is unlike anything the Underworld has ever known. You are lucky to have him as your offspring.”

She didn’t have a reply for that. Merely staring at Thanatos with wide eyes before handing him yet more fruit. Feeling a little anxious after that bout of honesty, Thanatos took it and quickly departed. He laid Zagreus to rest, cut up his fruit, and left him as per usual. However, between the third and fourth success, he was finally treated to Zagreus’ thoughts on this change to their routine. As if on schedule, Zagreus once again was talking to Hypnos when Thanatos came to turn his latest report. Thankfully Zagreus seemed just as clueless as last time he’d eavesdropped. Hypnos hadn’t quite told him everything.

“Well whoever it is keeps leaving me fresh poms,” Zagreus commented to Hypnos, “It’s like they’re telling me to take better care of myself. What with the bed rest and the snacks.”

“Wow, I wish someone left me fresh fruit every time I woke up,” Hypnos replied, “You’re so lucky!”

“Not sure there’s enough fruit in the Underworld for that,” Zagreus commented, “But you can have some of mine if you want.”

Thanatos resisted the urge to smile as he went back to work. Yet he felt like he’d barely begun to make a dent in the mortal population when he was summoned back to Persephone’s home once more. Zagreus was doing exceptionally well of late. He wasn’t even using his favourite weapons either! Thanatos spotted a glimpse of his bow as he entered the beautiful oasis on feet steaming with melted snow. Yet again they talked, yet again it seemed impossible that Zagreus would be able to spend more time with his mother in any realm, mortal or below. He fell, grasping at his throat for air and crumpled into the soft grass. This, of course, was Thanatos’ cue.

“We’ve been seeing a lot of each other of late,” Persephone commented as he emerged from her trellises.

“Zagreus has been working especially hard,” Thanatos replied, “He has defeated his father in single combat four times in a row now. It is a momentous achievement.”

The Queen grimaced at the mention of Zagreus fighting Lord Hades. Thanatos saw no reason to soften the reality of Zagreus’ situation from her. Picking Zagreus gently off the floor, he waited for her usual question.

“Could you please tell me something about Zagreus from when he was a bit older?” she asked, “You’ve told me a lot about his childhood. How about something from later on?”

It was Thanatos’ turn to grimace. He had thought of a fact for later on. Something that defined a large portion of Zagreus’ late adolescence, early adulthood. Something she deserved to know if she wanted to understand Zagreus in his entirety. It was just… Thanatos didn’t like to think about it.

“Zag, I mean Zagreus, he had a relationship with the leader of the Fury Sisters, Megaera,” he informed the Queen, “It lasted a few mortal years before things went badly between them. I don’t know why. Megaera claims to despise him now, but I’m not sure if she truly does. Zagreus…I don’t think he can resent her for what happened.”

Persephone considered him for a moment, whilst reaching for her basket of produce.

“And how did you feel about that?” The Queen asked, “When they were together?”

Thanatos frowned at her slightly. Why did she want to know that?

“It didn’t matter how I felt about the situation,” he replied, “It happened. She was Zagreus’ choice. Even if it didn’t work out. I was entirely irrelevant to both of them during the proceedings.”

Sometimes, during those torturous years, he wondered if Zagreus remembered he still existed. It was like she’d become his entire world and there was no space for talking to or about anyone else. However he had respected Zagreus’ choice. He would always respect Zagreus’ decisions, especially where he gave his heart.

“I see,” Persephone replied, though she did not state what she saw. Staring at Thanatos her gaze was gentle but judgemental, kind but seemingly able to view him to the very core of his being. It was in that moment that he remembered she was an Olympian too. Thanatos found himself growing wary of her in that moment Who knew what power lay beyond her kindly exterior? Returning Zagreus home had never been a greater relief compared to the tension that mounted in that singular moment. It was almost as if she wanted him to tell her how heart-broken he’d felt. Wanted him to recount that occasion when he’d walked into Zagreus’ room expecting a chat and found them in the middle of their lovemaking. It was a harsh way to find out your crush wasn’t as single as you thought. Also it was a very abrupt means to discover that lovemaking could involve ropes and other metal tools for restraining one’s partner. The look of pleasure on Zagreus’ face, before he realised they’d been interrupted, had haunted Thanatos to this day. Sometimes his memories strayed back to that expression of ecstasy, giving him a giddy rush that was immediately followed by intense guilt. That face was supposed to be for Meg’s viewing only. He was never supposed to see. And he certainly was never meant to reimagine it since then. Never meant to touch himself to that memory. Never supposed to dream that he was the one, not Meg, who was pleasuring Zagreus in that moment. Yet now the Queen’s question had brought all those terrible memories flooding back. There the only thing he could do, after returning Zagreus home, was to throw himself into his work harder than ever. He couldn’t think terrible thoughts if he was too busy reaping souls!

Logic sound, he spent the next few days working without pause. Not even checking up on Zagreus in the Underworld, he rode the path of natural disaster across two continents, assisted Ares with the results of a war, and even helped Charon wrestle a few troublesome souls into the depths of Tartarus. Unfortunately, Zagreus’ success streak seemed to be over. However this did allow Thanatos some reprieve from thinking about him, just for a little while. Over the next few days, he managed to settle back into his usual routine. Focus on work, barely go home, and try not to think about his feelings too much. This tried and tested method of running from his problems had never failed him. Well, it would, if everyone could just leave him to procrastinate in peace!

“Heya Than!”

Hermes, once more, greeted him by the banks of the River Styx. This was part of both their jobs so meeting like this should be expected. However this time the messenger god didn’t even have any souls with him. Thankfully he was patient enough to let Thanatos pass a boat full of dead off to Charon, before continuing the conversation he clearly intended to have.

“Glad I caught you before you went back below!” the Olympian exclaimed, “Express delivery here for you, right from the hands of Aphrodite and Dionysus! Not every day you get a shared effort I know, but not my place to question why, I just the deliver after all!”

He pressed an elegantly wrapped package into his arms as Thanatos blinked at him in a state of shock. He was used to Hermes' need to speak at record pace. What had thrown him was the fact the Olympus Gods had bestowed this surprise gift upon him.

“Are you sure this isn’t for Zagreus?” He asked, “There must be some error here, I am not one of your kin. Nor have I ever courted their favour.”

Hermes grinned mischievously at him.

“Definitely yours, both my sis and bro both mentioned you by name. Aphrodite says she can practically track where you go in the mortal world these days ‘cause all she has to do is follow the trail of lovesick pining. She and Di said they got together to make you a special something- you know, so you can practice ahead of finally ‘fessing up to Zag!”

Practice? Pining? Fessing? Thanatos felt his cheeks flare with colour as his grip around the package became a little unsteady. He wanted to object that there must have been a mistake. That there was no way he could be pining after Zagreus and surely, he had nothing to practice for - whatever they meant by that. Yet, if the Goddess of Love herself said you were in a constant state of lovesick pining, well… Thanatos had never been so humiliated by a gift before and he didn’t even know what it was yet.

“Thank you,” he managed through the urge to simply disappear forever and never return to the surface again, “Please tell Lady Aphrodite and Lord Dionysus that their gift is an utmost honour and express my gratitude that they spared the time to think about…think about me on this occasion.”

“Sure thing, have fun!”

Hermes was gone before Thanatos had the chance to ask what he meant by ‘have fun.’ He stared at the wrapped parcel, too large to stow away upon his person whilst he continued his duty. Failing to properly receive a gift from the gods would surely incur their wraths. He would have to take this home, spare a moment to reveal its contents, before heading back to work. With no time to waste, he teleported back to his room. He sat upon his bed, untouched since that humiliating bout of drunken behaviour, and leant his scythe against the headboard.

“What could Lady Aphrodite and Lord Dionysus possibly want to give to me?” He wondered aloud. He’d never encountered either of the two - assuming they would avoid the company of Death like their mortal subjects would. Love and Revelry had never played much of a role in his existence. Though now apparently Lady Aphrodite claimed he was pining. Thanatos carefully unwrapped the dark purple cloth from around the gift, noting how it glittered in the faint glow of his room. No sooner were the silken wrappings unwound, then the cloth disappeared in a twinkling of light and the sound of chinking glasses. Thanatos’ attention however was drawn to the box now sat in his lap. Made of a fine red wood, it was engraved with intricate renditions of the gods’ insignia as if there could be any doubt who the giftees were. An odd sense of anticipation rose in Thanatos’ chest. He had no idea what to expect once he undid the two small golden clasps that kept this beautiful box shut. So without further ado, he deftly flipped them open.

He was immediately beset by voices ringing in his head.

 **“Greetings little Death** ,” came the sultry tone of Aphrodite, **“Why you’ve given us quite the entertainment every time you’ve come to aid cousin Zagreus. I’m surprised your poor little heart doesn’t bleed out every time you take a step towards him. As sweet as your precious pining is, we think a little hurrying along is in order between the two of you. We and Hermes are quite certain that, whilst you have drunk deeply of love’s sweet sorrow, _making love_ is a delight you’ve yet to ever sample.”**

Wh…!

 **“And you are missing out Than!”** exclaimed one who could only be Dionysus, “ **I can call you Than right? Right. We get you man, you want to impress a guy you’re head over heels for, but no one’s ever embraced Death where it _really_ matters. Don’t worry, we got you. With these inventions of mine, you’ll soon be able to take Zag like a pro. Consider it my gift to the pair of you. Because if poor Zag keeps getting stuck down there, you’re going to need to give him a good pick me up every now and again!”**

They…

Oh gods.

What was this?

What had he led them to believe?

What was in this box?!

Cheeks glowing as gold as ambrosia, Thanatos ever so slowly began to lift the lid. The insides were lined in pink silk, he got a glimpse of the fabric just before his eyes alit upon the… upon the…

Thanatos snapped the box shut so fast he caught the fabric of his chiton in the lid. He tried to put the box down, but realised his error when he felt a tug at his chest. He inwardly cursed as he was forced to open the box back up to free himself. Thankfully there were no more voices as he lifted the lid again, hands trembling now he knew what lay inside. The mere sight of the contents had him whipping his clothing free before slamming the box shut again. Clapping one hand to his cheek, Thanatos tried to look at anything but the heavy wooden box in his lap. Oh blood and darkness! Oh above and below! Did they really think he needed to use these? That…that what was holding him back was a lack of sexual experience? Whilst it was true he’d never engaged in that sort of-of bodily intimacy with another being, that didn’t mean he didn’t know how it worked! He didn’t need help! And…and he certainly didn’t need practice! He didn’t need this. He truly didn’t need this. Being a virgin had nothing to do with his problems talking to Zagreus! Where had they even got this idea from? Were they mocking him? Was this their idea of a funny joke? Thanatos held his breath, already grimacing as he dared lift the lid once more.

Never had Death Incarnate so dearly wished to die of shame. But then again, never before had Death Incarnate been presented with a box full of elegantly carved wooden penises. Three wooden phalluses in a range of sizes, made of a cherry wood and polished to a glossy sheen. They were displayed elegantly in their pink silk wrappings, carved with extraordinary likeness to the real thing, with a defined head, veins, one had a slight curve that reminded him of the last time he’d bathed with…. Thanatos let out a small squeak as he tried to cast his gaze elsewhere. Also in the box was a glass bottle of purple oil that smelled just like the hangover cure he’d drunk not that long ago. Oh please say it didn’t also taste like grape… Thanatos picked it up and sniffed at it. Yes, definitely grape flavoured. Oh gods. Oh gods. He never ever going to use these, right? Right. Never. Why would he ever need to use…use something like this? Thanatos let out a groan and buried his head face first into the nearest pillow.

He hated Olympians.

So

So

Much.


End file.
